This week’s chapter: “Lucid dreaming — the horrors of an impossible relationship that never happen.”
They spoke for a bit, he was genuinely nice for a bit, or maybe she always mixed up this whole ‘dick sand’ for a genuine start. Whatever be the case, it didn’t end well. At least for her.
As it turned out, he was probably a good guy but with corrupt friends who pushed him to be the bad boy. He was always in his elements when he was away, but back in the city, one meeting with the gang and he became someone unrecognisable.
“I probably wont like the version of you back in the city” she had said to him in passing. “It changes people.. Maybe whatever this is…, needs to stay here, it started here, it will end here”.
But he was insistent. He said this was how he was and would remain. The he was not like the the rest of them back in the city, who might have let her down. So, willingly, and consciously, she chose the red pill. Went down the rabbit hole. She had kept her guard up the while time and she allowed herself to relax.
Back home, a week later, while he was still there and she was still putting the rest of the puzzle pieces of her actual life together, he came back into the city. He wanted to surprise her. She wasn't home. He called her, but she couldn’t pick up. When she did, she rode back as fast as she could. She didn’t care about the time or the place or the effort or the circumstances. After all, she was the one bound to society, not him. She was the one with scores to settle, not him. She was the one who had to worry about her decency in the city, not him. But he lead her on and she responded back with equal enthusiasm.
Then 3 days later, he had totally ghosted her, acted cool after disappearing for 72 hours straight and then pretended she was being a little too paranoid and attached. “Whatever the hell is happening?” she thought to herself. “Was she in fact overthinking this? Or had all this actually happened? He had changed after being back for just over 72 hours?!”
She rarely got such inklings wrong. She knew something was off. And fate is such a deliberate thing, right then, at the same time, her past had caught on to her in the background and messed her up once again. She was holding her breadth and waiting for him to say something to calm her down. One kind word or one kind message, one sign of reassurance that not everyone deceived others emotionally.. but he did. He did too.
She had build her fortress around herself and then brought down the walls, one brick at a time for him. And one weekend back in the city, and he didn't want to be held accountable for his actions or have any strings attached. And not like she didn’t have a lot to do. “I have to be my own hero here on” she had said him once. “I have to ensure i am never left helpless in any aspect of my life. Not like i let myself be, against my very grain, ever again”. But maybe he was not listening.
And then still, a week later he ghosted her. And then told her he had been clear from the start that he didn’t want to be in a relationship, to not fall for him because falling hurt. That she had been pushing him and gone “bat shit crazy” on him. So she backed away. Wept inside for a bit, unable to accept what this person was saying. But forgiven him. He was young, impressionable, easily influenced by friends. Who might have reminded him that being a fuck boy was always easier, more fun, crazier.
She assessed it from every possible situation and she did identify the gaps and the “dicksand”. She had deliberately let herself drown in it. Build him up to be the good guy when he was clearly not. But this is where the fun part begins.
She made good on her promise. She unfriended him across social media. She decided she was not going to stalk him. And she didn’t. But he did. He frequented her timeline and left traces of himself on her timeline.
Her best friend had already said to her “treat him only as a palette cleanser, he will be nothing more”. But he on the other hand had pushed and pushed and pushed her to be more. He was adamant that there was something there and that they were two adults who knew how they felt about each other.
It's not like women don't understand when they are being played, it's that we allow the idiots in our life the chance to prove us wrong. “I mean i hate to say it but i knew he was a fuck boy the minute he began to refer to me as HOT”, she thought to herself.
And it never the case that men trick women into bed, or into doing anything else really. A women has decided she will sleep with you the moment she put on her good lingerie. You think you helped make up her mind, actually she made up her own. Long before you began making the moves on her.
So not much to cry over, there will like always be many we will call mistakes and lessons and not ex’s and flames. And hence she mentally clinked wine glasses with her alter ego in her head — “here’s adding another mistake to my list of mistakes both physical…and metaphysical I suppose.”
Women are complex creatures, and they hate to be told they are on the losing end, even if they themselves chose to draw. Like we hate being called ‘crazy’ even if in all honesty we will always know when we were being a ‘little extra’.
But despite the worse not happening! It didn't stop her from actually dreaming about all the things that could have gone wrong! Galore! The madness of waking up early morning to things one doesn't want to experience! Almost as if her mind had fast forwarded itself into why this was never going to be a good idea and why it was so good that fate had led her here, in the now of all places!
Lucid Dream, Exhibit A:
She had a dream that they were dating. He loved her very much. And she never doubted him, or him her. And they were in a building. Where they had taken a room the previous nights and slept together. Then they slept all day recovering from the night before. And then in the evening, just trying to find time alone, they wanted to get something to eat. But there were too many people pulling them apart or into things. Friends, building caretakers, waiters, what not. And then at some point he has to leave to get someone with his friends and he leaves his phone behind by mistake. There aren’t many chats or messages in his phone. She fined it and opens and check his messages and they are with a few of his guy friends. So she don’t open the chats and locks the phone again. Then by some miracle she see’s an incoming text and it seems like a normal text from the guy he had gone to pick. Asking him to reach soon. She happens to slightly scroll up in the same chat without really reading but that is when to her horror she discovers — that this guy is in-fact actually a girl. And that they have been exchanging sexual / naked pictures with each other on this chat! She curses iMessages! Because she risks checking some of the other names in the list, and in fact there is more than one such person he is sexting with!! And which also means all his friends have known all along and they have been keeping it a secret and encouraging him. Also that he might have gone to sleep with one of them who was asking him to get there quicker? She becomes a prisoner of the building. She hides the cell and tries to escape but there are too many rooms and too many people in the rooms. And then he comes back, he behaves normally. Being his charming self to her, telling her she’s beautiful and how he loves her. But now she is confused, angry and not able to believe him like she could just a few hours ago. She doesn't have the courage to ask him. And she becomes afraid it will cause him to leave. And this realisation makes her feel sick and stuck and repulsed. He begins searching for his phone and she tells him she misplaced it. He suspects nothing and she have just had yet another heartbreak.
Lucid Dream, Exhibit B:
He takes her out for a drinks on a lovely August weather, her favorite. Of all places he takes her to an ahhata. She feels its random but doesn't complain. It's just him and her and they make great company. They find a table and settle in. The aahata is an open beer garden with cously chais and tables meant for small groups and private conversations under the cloudy sky. She soon realises that while their conversation is lovely. the random people around them begin throwing shades at him and consecutively her. This slightly startels her but she chooses to ignore them and carry on. But then a girl literally walks up to their table, shoves her phone in his face saying ‘Dekho ye kitna funny wallpaper hai na?” As if showing something else written on her screen to him and hinting to him to follow him somewhere and then she walks away abruptly towards the entrance of the aahata. At this point she decides to stand up and call his bluff! What the heck was happening around them? Why was everyone behaving as if they knew him and treating him like a regular? Who was this girl and how can someone just randomly shove their phone in a person's face and walk away? He starts laughing saying he has no idea what she is saying but she gets up and follows the girls who is now seemingly standing there waiting for him. She tries to confront the girl and the girl acts innocent and leaves. But she is little too sure she invited her guy for a quick one outside! He reluctantly follows her as she tells the girls off, he has theri drinks in his hand suggests they drive around for a bit while she tries to calm herself down. She begins to cry, goes sits in the car, drinks down all the alcohol in one go and howls as she realises she’s had yet another heartbreak.
What the actual fuck?! Waking up to write down one's dreams is one thing. Remembering them to small details like the color of his tshirt and her shoes is another. Our brain has a funny way to heal or to pass on the information it needs to sometimes. In this case, quite creatively that there was always an inkling that he was bad news!