To stand or not to one night stand?
Journey into a life of choice much beyond the physical realm to sanitise the soul. A brief look at why people use dating apps and why some choose celibacy instead.
I have nothing against dating apps. There are countless people out there, who need physical touch, and who have unmet emotional or physical needs. Who yearn for it, who deserve it. And to that extent, these apps are a boon.
As we get older, of course, it’s harder to find people, like-minded, humbled, and open to the idolised idea of being in a relationship with all the flair. If dating apps helps facilitate this even temporarily in someone’s life, good for them. We have one life after all.
But does it mean it’s for everyone? Just because you’re fresh out of a break-up or have been single for a few years, don’t have a partner, don’t have lovers, or have a dull marriage or a non-existent sex life, should you automatically be on these apps? Maybe.
But there are other ways to help yourself. One of the choices is – choosing celibacy.
Instantly when we hear or read the word ‘celibacy’ we picture a sadhu or a monk who has chosen a path of spiritual journey beyond the temptation of flesh etc. That is how or rather what is portrayed in movies after all? And no, celibacy is not the same as ‘abstinence’.
Yup, that other word that instantly makes us think that there was an opportunity and Christ wants you to choose to willingly deny yourself till you are married to the person you want to get into bed with thanks to movies.
Both these things are projected as if they are triggered by the fear of god! Why is that?
If you google the definition of celibacy, it will show you a wide range of things such as ‘a state of not having sex, especially if you have made a religious promise’, or ‘a state of abstinence from marriage or sexual relations’. These to me seem very on the edge, dramatic or shall I say motivated.
Sure, humans have sexual urges, sex feels great, and so do teasing, flirting, cuddling or even creating and maintaining emotional relationships. But should all urges be acted upon? Should all urges be acknowledged? And to whose benefit?
Celibacy, especially for those who have had strained emotional, mental and physical relationships in the past is actually a state of self-healing and self-love rather than an imprisonment of one's sexual self and emotional desires.
Being celibate is good for a person’s psychological health especially those who have started identifying themselves as being easily hurt or find themselves victims of past trauma bonds with other people.
While man is a social animal, it doesn’t require us to have sexual relationships with people to maintain our sanity. And once sex, relationships and emotional dependence are off the table, it becomes much more easier to navigate people, jobs and even life for some people.
It makes it easier to focus on important things like self-growth, and being aware of one's emotional, mental and other needs to function as an individual in society.
Sexual tension often as much as it is an outcome of being physically desired, in today’s time has led to new phenomena like self-doubt, ghosting, anxiety, body issues, and increased focus on building personal assets and stature, all things that focus on making us look desirable. And if you want to understand just how influenced you are, notice yourself and what you feel when you walk past a shopping mall, those designer bags, that red Ferrari on display or that makeup store that promises you look flawless or younger.
As an advertiser and marketer, I’d say it's the prime focus of brands to create in you gaps or cracks that seem only fixable by making a purchase. To make you doubt yourself, advertently, immediately and in a lasting way.
A lot of brands today are becoming more conscious of the impact brands in the past had on the self-image of individuals, children and the elderly across society and cultures, but every day a new brand still is launched to feed off your insecurities and it’s a never-ending spiral to get out of.
Celibacy, contrary to popular media is one of the answers to becoming a more powerful and higher version of yourself in this system deeply impacted by forces that seek sensory stimulation at a superficial or physical level.
But there is part of the human soul that lives beyond the physical, the one that animals don’t have, which we refer to as the ‘consciousness’, and once humans begin to focus on how their higher self feels and wants to be treated, it becomes far easier to be humble, happy, focused and even feel more spiritually fulfilled.
Will lovers and friends agree of your going from single and ready to mingle to suddenly celibate? Not quite. After all, you’re choosing to be one less puddle for them to step into while they figure out their own lives. We are so used to seeking external validation or validating in others our beliefs or hi5-ing them for it that its easier for people to understand us when we enact their version of ‘normal’. However weird that may be.
Its also easier to write off people by saying or assuming things such as ‘maybe she was SO sex crazed that it was good for her to not focus on it?’ Or to call someone emotionally or mentally unstable when they talk about this theme because its not ‘similar to how a larger part of society is behaving or dealing with the same situation’.
Now that I’ve given you a little flavour of what are the themes and contradictions on the table, please remember all people are different. Right from the moment they were born, to their upbringing, to their place, time, culture, religion and peer group.
It takes a lot of self-awareness and solitude to reach an understanding of what is good for oneself, without the influence of friends, family, lovers and society.
When you start defining for yourself what you’re used to doing when you are happy vs. when you feel triggered, it becomes easier to identify and negate those things as responses we are likely to do when thrown into those situations again.
Over a decade, I realised that I gave myself the most amount of time to heal and really wanted to understand myself and what makes me happy when I was doing things not out of fear of being rejected but when there was no one to prove a point to. And so, over the past year or more I’ve chosen celibacy.
I had also been in a decade-long trauma bond with someone that I still have problems in completely verbalising, then a five year marriage that didn’t end well and then cancer I fought alone with my parents and endless nights of self-doubt and self-hate. I’ve felt uncomfortable in my own body, felt led down by people I thought would come through, found myself pretending or rather imposter syndrome-ing and it came down to this question – sure, I may be pretty, and sure I need to be kissed and often, but should I continue to put myself out there at the cost of my mental health, sanity and constantly stay in fear of rejection or finding out yet another flaw about myself?
The answer came back as ‘no’.
And it’s not like I don’t have options. But every since my divorce a few years back, I have come to realise that think and felt better when I chose to celibate. Or rather when i took sex and sexual tension off the table.
Does this make me lesser than you? As per society, probably yes. But personally, it is a resounding no.
I feel all my emotions beyond sexual desire in full. I love with a full heart, I am selfless to a fault, I don’t hold bad intentions or grudges, and I have no place for envy, despair or revenge. I feel more spiritually connected to the world. It’s also easier to be happy with simpler things, with less, without feeling like I’m missing out.
But does this mean I am turning into a priestess anytime soon? That I’ve given up on being married or having kids or a partner in the future? It does not.
But in the meantime, I’ve consciously chosen to not keep my mind wandering about potential connections and relationships I may miss out on and to see everyone with the same eyes at the same level as me. And trust me, I’ve been there. This was not an overnight decision after all!
I chose to be celibate over having meaningless flings, one-night stands, situationships and ‘options’ like many friends and relatives (cousins) recommended.
When the right person comes along, they will manage to break my baseline and truly make an impact. Make me rethink my values and choices and to really makes me think about them rather than grapple with how they feel or what I should feel.
Because by negating being sexually desired at random or all the time, I focus more on seeing individuals and people what who they truly are based on their words and actions. I don’t keep thinking of everyone as a ‘potential partner’ or leave things to chance.
When I focus on my self-worth, it goes beyond how I look or what I own or how good I am in bed. It focuses on how enriched culturally or spiritually I feel as a person. My ability to make a difference in small but meaningful ways for those around me, without seeking out validation.
When sex, intercourse and physical intimacy are off the table, it enables me to see the best in people as individuals and not doubt their intentions or my intelligence.
If indeed someone has corrupted thinking or malicious intentions, it becomes visible to me in full without my mind focusing to make excuses on their behalf. It trusts their words and my wisdom and helps me navigate life better.
These are things dating apps and adding more people to my life cannot solve for me. I hold myself on a pedestal and believe I deserve a great love story. And those cannot ever start with someone sliding into my DM’s or into my pants and making me feel miserable with their actions, words or lack thereof.
To be vulnerable might be a superpower, but being unnecessarily vulnerable and adding or attaching more chaos to one's life in between relationships is not something everyone can handle mentally, emotionally or physically.
I see this as a way to cleanse myself, my body, mind and soul so that they don’t become things I turn to with regret in my old age but have a more immediate impact in my life when something great happens or when someone great comes into my life with full intentions.
Do I prescribe this journey to everyone? Probably not. Is it easy? Nope. Is it restrictive? No, I’m making my own rules as I go along. But now that I’m in it, this situation and state of mind, I’ve not been happier with myself. I don’t fear solitude and I don’t fear healthy company. It just felt right for me and a better alternative than putting my energy into dating apps or constantly thinking I need to find someone to feel fulfilled.
