Lessons in self love, respect and acknowledgement I realized at 35

Lesson 1: If you aren’t looking back each year and are not able to realize how stupid you’ve been the year before, you’re not growing.

At 35, almost touching 36, I’ve come to realize I’ve grown very self-obsessed and self-aware. Even more so than all the years I have put behind me.

Changing jobs, changing cities and having more time with myself (voluntarily after saying absolute NO’s to hanging out with shallow, fake or so called half baked company), I’ve made some very important discoveries.

Discoveries in myself, my nature and in the human psyche in general. Which I now practice and sleep very well a night.

First things first, I realized I’ve always been people-pleasing. Always tip-toeing around how others ‘may’ feel or what others ‘may’ think. It caused me a lot of discomfort, asked a lot of courage of me and built up my endurance of other people's actions a little too much. Beyond normal tolerance or what should have been a healthy tolerable limit.

In turn, people mistakenly thought it was their right to behave badly in various situations. Or it was acceptable to disrespect me to a certain degree. And today, I think I understand that I was responsible for it, especially because even though I felt bad, I actively did nothing to tell them or put them back in their place or in short; draw boundaries.

I nurtured and cared too much. So much so that I took it upon myself to explain to the loser who I was breaking up with why I was doing what I was doing and then waiting for him to adjust to the situation before turning around and behaving like they broke up with me. (Trust me I’m laughing out loud now).

Because I also did this with random strangers who hit on me or passed comments at me because they felt I was inconsequential and it was ok to try.

Always felt like we should never make assumptions, worst decision ever. If people are exhibiting a behavior, and your gut tells you something, believe it. Don’t believe anything else till the other person shows interest in changing your assumption. And trust me people know when you’ve made assumption.

Especially don’t believe words, wait for them to show them to you in actions. Words are easy, actions are not, they take more effort and most will try to win your vote without it.

Ok fine, you are a kind and forgiving person, but find your limit. I surely realized I was dishonoring myself by letting my opinions and worth be tarnished by those who didn’t think highly of me, made the same mistakes over and over and didn’t back them with actions. This happens when you forgive people before they ask for forgiveness or even before they know they have made a mistake. It’s not your problem. It’s your problem to not be treated like shit.

(I was told that in love and friendship, they should not be a limit thanks to my stupid schooling, too much analogy drawn to how you should love and respect God, and then treat friends like gods, in gist).

Draw the fucking line, right now. And determine your limit.

Next, better to observe and look aloof. Because fools will assume you didn’t catch shit. Do yourself a solid and make your moves quietly after you catch them. You owe no one an explanation or an existing letter. Not your place to correct them, and not your purpose to make them aware. They do not hold good intentions for you, remember? Most likely they won’t even know you know. Let them believe what they do while you realign yourself and your actions.

It’s not your place or EVER the time to explain life, share life lessons or share experiences for free. If they didn’t ask for them or aren’t paying you for them, they don’t need them.

Smart people learn by observation. Smarter people ensure it at other people’s expense. Go about your business silently and with gratitude, you find an interesting life lesson keep it yourself. It’s not your job to get others across the finish line.

Have the courage to put yourself first.

Have the courage to say no.

Absolutely under no circumstances bend your morals, rules, limits or practices for others. If you make an exception one. It’s going to be an exception always.

Learn to be unafraid of putting people into their place, politely. Monkey see, monkey do. And sometimes the monkey runs into you. Then the money behaves like he has seen others do, if it’s disrespectful, juvenile or timid, simply let them know you are doing them a favor this one time and explain to them their job in relation to yours and how to work better together. But never let it pass. Not once, not ever.

Say less, react less, and make it always seem like a group decision. But ensure due credit is given to the party or person that did the work, in time. Make a note of it and keep it to yourself so you don’t forget later.

Maintain a little distance. Don’t be too available or too casual. People fear or respect something they cannot fully comprehend or grasp. Familiarity also breeds predictability. And those who can predict your next move can pretty much manipulate you.

Never accept last-minute invitations or agree to last-minute plans unless they suit your agenda. If you have plans, never cancel them for others. Your yoga or meditation or cupboard cleaning is as important as coffee with Bea. But if Bea doesn’t respect your time, opinions and presence, you do yourself a solid and back away.

Be very mindful of who you give this opportunity to determine when you should be available to them. You will know this deep in your gut. Trust it. For the rest, take more control about who gets your time.

Focus on getting better at all aspects of your own life. A better writer, better physically, better verbally, emotionally and so on. End of the day making a new friend or finding a partner is easy, its finding a quality friends or a quality partner is difficult.

If you feel you want a partner or friends to pass the time, and not to grow, then you will find people accordingly. Till you don’t elevate yourself and begin enjoying your own company, you will stay at your current level.

Notice when you have something unique to offer or enriching in your nature, there will be a lot of conversations around you that will focus on ‘sharing the knowledge or these experiences’. But not when you have nothing to offer, because people seem to fear when we put ourselves first, especially if we are doing very well for ourselves, then they’re all about sharing, but then also notice it in reverse.

That when they have something interesting or enriching, they will try to always keep those values to themselves. That will show you truly how or why people want to be around you or when they don’t. And don’t be mistaken, sometimes it’s literally for your youth and the appeal of your flesh.

Enjoying your own company is a lifelong process. Keeping your interests and friends separate is also part of this process. You need to have things uniquely yours. Be open to meeting new people, and exchanging perspectives on unconventional things to help keep your mind and soul open. If your friends surrender to only exchanging pleasantries and discussing people, you won’t become better.

If your friends can talk shit behind the backs of others to you, even about those the treat like family, then they are doing so behind your back too. There is no ‘maybe’ about this.

So observe the company you keep from time to time and understand their motivations. Sure it’s rude to ask your partner what they bring to the table, but it’s not when it comes to friendship. Because friends are made on the base of mutual interests and values. If their values change, your circle of friends can too. You don’t own anyone an explanation.

People like to be around pretty things or successful things and if you are one of them, then be very sure about the company you keep. Understand if their alignment with you is based on their perception of you or actually because of how much they like you and adore you. More often than not people will disrespect you or find a middle ground based on their insecurities, rather than staying true to values you mutually cultivate. If your friends succumb to doing this, they are not really your friends. They are using you, maybe not in the capacity of financially or emotionally, but they are using you.

Notice how when you start grooming better, dressing better or taking care of your physical health better, you start to attract a different kind of energy from people who think it will rub off on them too if they simply hang out with you more. They are pretty much using the cover of your aura to establish themselves differently in the eyes of others. And using your affection for them and your actions as an endorsement. There are no two ways about this.

People don’t misunderstand you because of the differentiation of opinions, they do so because they feel the authority to disrespect you. Especially if you know, that they have known you better (and long enough to know your nature than the rest of the world) based on conversations or interactions you’ve had with them over a long period of time.

This also shows you how they place you in their food chain of friends. It is not as an equal but below them. If you ever feel in such a situation, simply walk away from it, they’ll be better friends and better people to meet in your lifetime. Make space for them.

I used to make the mistake of giving people too much time and refusing to acknowledge their disrespect and then I struggled with realizing that I did not have enough people in my surroundings who truly understood me or wanted to understand me.

Because those who did understand me were not bound by the time I spent with them or the hours. I may have spent just days talking to them each month but simply by the alignment and those conversations and values I felt far more nurtured and enriched. Especially in comparison to those I had daily conversations with, people who I was telling everything from what I had in the morning to how late I slept at night. I managed to realize I could simply do that by journaling daily.

This brings us to the next thing you should never do never tell somebody exactly how your day is going or what you did or where you went or what you eat. Nobody should have this much details about you. Either it will ruin the perception of you Best, just because of your honesty, or somehow they will think they have total control over you, or that your loyalties to them will never change which are all detrimental to how you perceive valued or respected.

I have no idea why, but somehow mystery actually attracts respect, admiration and ability to influence. You think you only need that in work or your workplace? you’re wrong. You need that in your day-to-day friend circle as well as with the people you are courting.

Never chase, always affirm. Never show off, never boast, and always enjoy privileges in private.

Whoever taught us that happiness should be shared was a Communist. When you work hard to build something, put in the work and effort, and burn the midnight oil alone, then the fruits of that labor are yours alone. If you choose to share them, do it with discretion or remember its because of the goodness of your heart. It is not owned by anyone. Don’t share your process and don’t give away your secrets to success, else even those closest to you will use them against you or try to reap benefits from them, but at your expense.

Because in things go right people take the credit, but when things go wrong, they blame others. 99% of people do this.

When you truly deserve something it will come to you, you won’t have to chase after it. Especially as a woman you should be chasing after nothing and no one. If you find yourself chasing remember there is something wrong with what you’re asking or seeking out. Either it’s not meant for you or something, higher or better is meant for you.

Why you ask? Because ‘Chasing’ comes from the mentality of feeling insecure and insecurity is only created by people or things that understand you don’t value them and they need to create their value by the tension of being unavailable to you or being too highly-priced. (Think about how Apple or One Plus market themselves differently from Samsung).

This applies to substandard products as well as substandard people in your life. You can measure them easily by how much they value your time how well they treat you or how easily they can compliment you on your successes, accomplishments, luck and good genes alike. Also, notice how easily they become absent during your downtime or misery.

Never let anyone else project their insecurities on you. Don’t become the football of other people’s opinions. If you have sleepless nights because you worry about what others say or think about you then you are surely going to believe in what they say about you. Remember if you know your value, even if 100 people don’t see it in you; it doesn’t mean your value will become any less. It just means you’re moving around in the wrong circle. They are unable to identify or appreciate the same in you. If that is the case, simply remove yourself from that situation. Because most people will spend far more time justifying their insecurities, than trying to raise your level.

There are going to be instances where people get triggered by what you’re saying because of insecurities they are feeling from life or from another situation in general. These people may be triggered enough to not realize they should not be projecting and may end up giving you reactions far worse than you deserve or anticipate.

The only favor you should do such people is remind them about your alignments and mutual values but then also back the fuck away. Hopefully if they’re not shallow, they will eventually turn around and apologies and by apologies I don’t mean try to be friendly again or joke around. I mean they will fucking actually apologies, accept nothing less.

These actions seem tough when you think about them but as you grow older and focus more and more on yourself and your skills and your betterment, they become easier to action. It is quite frightening to cut ties with rituals, people and things that don’t want to rise to the occasion, who don’t want to clarify your doubts or perceptions or who treat you as a way of passing time. (Even if to you it felt like you meant more to them).

Only when you let go of this energy and these people will you find time and space to let better ones in your life. I cannot stress enough: You need to make space for it or them in your life, every day.

Every decision you make after you’re 35 (of whenever you start becoming more aware) should be very conscious and should not seem like a joke to yourself or the people around you.

Because working on yourself is not a joke. Self improvement is not a joke keeping yourself busy with sharpening your own knives is not a bloody joke. (And eventually, with time you realize it’s much similar to do and you really don’t have the time to think about other people or the ‘he said, she said’.)

You will become decisive and you will appreciate the people who honor your decision and the intellectually stimulating conversation that they enrich your life back with in response to how you enrich theirs. (Unless of course you have your own circle of friends who also nurture you and they bring a different kind of feeling and healing power of your life. Those are very different and you’ll know the difference).

Don’t fear being alone, it’ll be temporary, fear being mediocre.