Understandings and realisations

Things I never knew about him and myself, or rather never focused enough to demystify about us.

I have been pleading, now fighting and now settling into what my husband had to say. I played on the back foot for a while, where I over apologised to him, and now I have reached a place where I am feeling more at par in the argument. That has all been calculated. At least it has since the last month when I realised I had literally buried myself in sadness, guilt and fear which was far beyond what I should have felt.

Somehow this makes me feel better as I feel my arguing it's not aggravating him like like my pleading was.

Now that I’ve corrected myself there, its also time for me to admit some things I have realised about myself, painfully. I am not saying there might be problems only in me, but I am facing my demons in this limited capacity and accepting that yes, I in fact have these problems.

Hopefully accepting is going to be the first step in addressing.

1. I react purely out of emotions — So every time my husband did something that he didn’t realise hurt me — I responded with pure emotion-driven responses rather than tell him what hurt me or how I felt. We didn’t start out like this but the lesser he invested in communicating, the more i leaned towards responding emotionally. I did things to make him feel how I felt, rather than show him how he was wrong.
2. I am not a good communicator — I chose to show him how it feels by creating that vengeful response rather than a verbal altercation instead that would have still immediately correctly communicated what we disliked and course-corrected in time. I should not have taken the high road or only settled for communicating via emails. Also I should not have feared the showdowns.. however nasty they could have turned out to be.
3. I assumed he understood — since in my head he was the love of my life and he must have taken something into consideration before he thought I was going to be enough for the rest of his life? But I was wrong, relationships are never enough to know someone and I guess he jumped the gun by proposing to me… because I know now that I thought I knew his demons and his weaknesses and his shortcomings and I were willing to work with them, but I guess he did not estimate me the same way. He didn’t understand well enough and he never will at this point, given he put up his hands and has decided to walk away.
4. I have my own learning curve and pace — for the better or worse, but till I don't get it, i-just-don't-get-it. This one I have realised that I take time to shift the perception of someone. I can't just come to the point around all the double meaning talk and until and unless I naturally reach the same conclusion after a lot of pain and heartache. And this is specifically in the case in dealing with relationships and people. He kept saying he is done and he is sick of me and that I am a bad person but I just couldn't see it. And then I self-destructed a little in front of his larger family to finally realise what a ticking bomb I had become out of pain and spite.
5. My demons are bigger than him or us — the speed it took me to guilt trip and self-blame was so short, it was ridiculous that there was a stage where I was ready to believe that ALL of it was my fault. I went from 0 to 60 on the ‘I am a bad person’ train in less than 3.5sec. I realised that I had overtly low self-esteem in my marriage and I think I have had this problem in relationships below. So I lash out, I bitch, I deflect even when I don't need to. And this was bad when things went south because my mind used to go in overdrive and assume the worst in me and him. Talk about dark pasts.
6. I was too damn honest — ok, I know this one looks like a deflection or an explanation but its not. I realised there are things one should keep to themselves. Be it unwarranted texts from ex’s or people in the past or how much I made, saved or how I felt about certain people in the family or the intricate details of what plans i had with my girlfriends. I literally left no mystery for him. I was so honest it somehow seems to have backfired. Our private thoughts are to be kept private, always. He eventually used all my part of private conversations to convince his family about how had i am.. even when i have dared not touch his.
7. I held a grudge — never have I ever held one before – so I know it held one. It felt like I held a stone in my chest and the only way to get it out was to hit someone on the head with it. It feels so wrong even writing it here, but this whole situation over the last few months has made me so bitter, I might have even said or done somethings grudgingly.
8. I did not believe myself — throughout the length of our marriage I always felt he had the innate need to control me and the outcome of things, even if I was the one who put things into motion. He took credit for my kindness as well, and whenever I stood up to him he lashed out the worst way possible. He just could not ever take it that I had the strength and courage to hold out on my own. And when I did make sense he was pompous and rude and rash and hurtful. And I made the mistake of taking what he said to heart. I couldn't stand up to him. In my head, I believe what he said rather than making a logical argument.
9. I played the victim when it suited me — I think I did, I didn't look at things from his perspective when I should have. I frankly did not even realise. But in the future... I will detach myself and do this. With anyone and everyone. Gosh, this one I cant makes again. I always knew he was hurting, because he was not making money or finding success. But as his wife, I was unable to convince him that he was my hero and that I know good things would come to him one day and I was willing to wait. But that didn't stop me from throwing in the occasional tantrum. I guess i had expectations as a wife, to be taken care off occasionally and not to be told all the god damn time that we were broke but I think I actually was rude to him once in a while. Like totally unsympathetic.

Well, i hope i do better in the future. Love... is probably not for me. Not after this but I will use this to be a better and more present and more complex version of myself.