What getting ‘Love bombed’ and being in ‘situationships’ taught me!

Modern day dating has its high’s, low’s and deep pit falls but there is a lot to learn and appreciate if you don’t intend to give up finding the perfect partner.

At 35, being single is not easy, to say the least. The immediate pool to choose from is either younger than you or older than you and the ones your age are people who are either already in committed relationships if not married or undergoing divorce by now!

Worst yet, there will always be people who are in your age pool, single and then comes the angle of friendship codes. I for one refrain from dating people my friends have dated or have had some shared history with in the past. That in my opinion is too much baggage. Plus, such problems only tend to come up when you feel at the bottom of the dog pile in choices or your search and maybe lack self-confidence, a problem I am yet to encounter :)

So have there been suitors? There have been. Younger, older and my own age. But given my journey over the last few years, I feel I am a little harsh to judge people and their ability to be mature, honest, respectful and most of all able to take care of me. But those are my demons to deal with.

Among other demons that I have come across is the fact that slightly younger or older are ok too! It's all about the mindset and your expectations alignment with each other.

But the dating landscape has changed drastically from how it was a decade ago when I was more appropriately in my ‘dating era’ (if that ever was a thing). Simply put, in that era or time I was more open to dating at all.

What do I mean by this? For one, there were no such things as situationships! And oh boy, I will NEVER be ok with the idea of putting myself in such a position! But like they say you’ve got it try everything a few times to form an opinion about it. Which I’ve done by now and realize it's not for me.

Secondly, the idea of how you chose your partner and why you stayed together are so different today! People sure have gotten shallower and more insecure off late. We seem to jump head first based on how someone looks and the image they put out rather than investigating first as friends if they are right for us, leaving so much and so many people as collateral damage in the wake of our search!

But the worst part of dating in the digital age is our availability! You like them; don’t be too available to them. You miss them, dont tell them!? How does one begin to date deeper or find out ways to grow closer if you need to constantly fear that ‘they might lose interest in us because they know we are committed’ to them only at a given point of time?

I for one feel the instant hit of dopamine from social media one gets from a swipe down to refresh content or being able to DM anyone or leave random comments gives people the wrong ideas about their capabilities to hook up with more than one person at a time or their intentions to keep the door slightly open when already with someone!

What is going wrong with these people today?

How are we able to manage so many people and situations in a single period or even be willing to be in them??

Why are we treating people like a search result on Amazon Shopping?!

Or so I thought…. The bottom line to this is different from how it was 10 years ago too.

The definition of ‘ideal partners’ and ‘how far we go to invite them into our lives’ has evolved too. No more do we look for a single person to fulfil all our needs. Your knight in shining armour may be your best friend, who loves Malayalam Rap music and is very good at saving and investing money and buying groceries. But he may not be your closest confidant or soul mate in other regards. Today people have separate friends for that!

Today people are more clear that finding a superhuman twin is closer to a joke than having a fully functioning support group where different people take up different roles in our lives to fulfil our ever-evolving needs outside a stable romantic relationship!

And what is wrong with that? Half the couples in therapy today are there because they have unmet expectations they did not communicate to their partners while the other half is there because either one of the two did have this realization and the other person felt cheated in this regard.

I know the current dating trends take this a notch too far because I do know of people who have stepped outside their relationships and marriages to find better sexual chemistry or emotional connections that remain unfulfilled and kept them frustrated in their normal day-to-day lives. Not many want to envision being their way of living for the rest of their lives!

Do you want to know how they do this? It’s simple compartmentalization. Some with stronger ethical codes than the rest. But it is what it is.

All those husbands running to Pattaya or Baku for their annual sales conference or such had a hunch a lot more people are coming to accept today. As long as you respect and value your partners and don’t tie all living expectations with just that one person in all regards, it’s probably helped them maintain stability in their relationships and marriages!

If your partner can make peace with this, it shows you share a great unsaid communication code. If respect and understanding remain and people are not openly dishing or flaunting their dirty laundry in front of their friends and family that is, so be it! (after all you can’t shit where you eat!)

We Indians surely know how to do two things well – judge and maintain double standards. For a civilization that thrived on liberal arts as part of their tradition and culture, we surely have very closed views and minds about such things today (no thanks to Victorian influence, which also gave us the dowry system!). So please be sure, this is very much the demonstrated ‘acceptance behaviour’ today and it’s here to stay.

But this brings me to the second order of business. Some of us actually want situationship’s and we want them only the benefits they provide ‘us’ as individuals exclusively, irrespective of the cost to the other person. Which is the rude thing to do.

We use them as dopamine or endorphin hits and are addicted to the honeymoon phase of things and even when we are single and potentially projecting ourselves as honest and decent people, we take what we want and move on as soon as the initial inertia is gone. Or say, when we realize the situationship is moving steadily towards becoming something more and more feelings and emotions are getting involved.

This is outright confusing and hurtful, because despite the initial pretence of ‘honesty and open communication’, the real motive of some people is to simply tinker with the new and shiny and shower their partners with attention, and interest and put them away when a perception about the other person formed that helps them distance themselves. This is called ‘love bombing’.

Then come the excuses. The slight pushing away. The reasons and the ghosting. Now, someone pretending to be your friend will simply disappear and always have excuses to not check your messages, pick your call or initiate conversations first.

They will say they care for you, are fond of you, and have special connections with you but go from texting as soon as you wake up to sending you 100 messages a day, to even falling asleep on calls at night to absolutely nothing. Their constant love and attention will suddenly be replaced by a void of nothingness that will progress towards becoming blank space faster than you can say ‘va va voom!’

Hurtful, right? Well, it pretty damn well was for me, especially my pride. For one, I felt I was investing things that would live to see a little more time over ending abruptly without reason! And second, I was sure I was being very sincere and polite in my communication, efforts and expectations. And I was very sure they were too?

Now, the old me would have overanalysed this and come to conclusions like ‘I have a talent for picking out the bad ones!’ or other such self-pitying statements that would have helped soothe my ego! But the new me says ‘Good riddance! It was fun while it lasted, and I’m glad it didn’t last beyond what it did, it would have hurt much more!!’

When i saw the pattern unfold for the second time, my gut kicked in and I backed away before they could! I set the boundary. I trusted my gut!! Because sure enough, they didn’t retaliate and nor did they behave differently than I expected in the end.

How i rationalise this is that I think a lot of people out there are running from things that have hurt them in the past, they are afraid to hurt again, they are emotional and afraid of being vulnerable, without realising its stopping them from growing now, rather than later when they do run into someone they want to stay with! Social media age is an age after all of the lack of privacy. Everyone knows everyone and if you are hurt, or broken or suffering, the world finds out! Irrespective of how tough or put together on social media you seem!

We laugh about it or make jokes that ‘only people who take therapy are worth dating today’, but what we are echoing as a society is that no one is perfect and that everyone needs to acknowledge their shortcomings and actively work on them before you hurt yourself and others irreversibly!

So while I’ve learnt to trust my instincts and not have hard feelings about how others behave, I consciously try not to do the same things to others. I have come to the realisation that I am quite emotionally resilient! I let myself be openly vulnerable, feel my full range of emotions and this is something not many are able to do openly, i.e.: emote!

Boy, I wouldn’t have ever seen that as a positive trait in my last life! That same life where I would have also tolerated being in a bad marriage because I put all my expectations in one basket and did everything I felt I should be doing to ensure my partner’s happiness first, even at the cost of my own. Even, at the cost of my own choices, preferences and needs.

I would have suppressed my need to express myself, not trusted my instinct or gut and most of all been miserable for choosing the circumstances i would have found myself in. I would have internalised it and believed that somehow i was responsible for things falling apart or for not being good enough.

But not anymore.

So how does one navigate all this and still find their perfect partner? Simple, here is a list of do’s and don’ts that help clarify this and makes navigating relationships of any kind much easier today:

1. Be honest about what you are looking for, I for one need visual appeal, charm and self-confidence that only someone with a stable job, bank balance and investments can bring to the game. For some, doing without the visuals works equally if the rest is in place.
2. Decide if you want stability, romance or adventure. You can’t have it all in one person. They will come in different measures. Choose the redeeming qualities of this person, look for the rest in your friend circle and leave it at this.
3. Guard your intentions, feelings and true thoughts. Some miseries are not worth sharing, just like most of your inner demons in friendships, situationships, relationships and marriages!
4. Your partner may be your soul mate but they may not be your best friend and vice versa and that is fine. Again, no one is going to check all boxes.
5. Your job in this world is to survive, be happy and thrive. That won’t happen when you think it is your responsibility to fix, challenge or elevate people all the goddamn time! People are people, they aren’t projects. Don’t settle for someone who tried to do that to you too. You are loveable as you are.
6. You don’t have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince charming, you just have to be open to the idea of dating, a lot! Step out of your comfort zone and go meet people.
7. Learn to see and enjoy the good in the world! Expect less from others, but don’t shy away from receiving and enjoying the gifts of time, and effort and plan opportunities life and people throw at you. You only live once! Stop feeling so indebted or guilty about it!
8. Value your own time, energy, presence and effort. It directly corresponds to how others perceive it and treat you! When you start dating, it’s important to ensure that the things you do for yourself, your alone time, and your interests, all are accounted for without your partner as well! You can’t possibly think it is healthy! There are no expectations!!
9. Compartmentalise your needs and allocate them among many people rather than a few or just one. Don’t feel guilty about it! Expect the other person to be doing the same, else its a call for trouble.
10. For god sake, dont chase perfection but don’t settle for ‘barely tolerable’ either. You need to have some redeeming qualities and know what they are in the person you date. Else it's drifting, not dating!
11. Accept yourself with your shortcomings and give others that leeway as well. We are all humans after all. It is our nature to err, evolve and be stumble from time to time. So express fully, forgive easily and keep low expectations from everyone.
12. Don’t keep people hanging or waiting. Don’t treat people as backups. No one wants to be someone’s plan ‘B’! Not even you, so why treat someone else that way?
13. Don’t try too hard to be the good guy or expect yourself to be the bad guy by default in situations. At the end of the day, you will be just some guy in somebody’s life that they once knew. So all you want to do is leave a good impression in the end so that you can at least respectfully run into each other in the future!
14. Lastly, no situation is going to go as you plan. If you want a marriage and your partner a situationship and you see potential, take the call to end things or to try them on an even playing field where both your needs are met. Otherwise, you are pretty much either trying to people please at your own cost or lying to one another!

Im pretty sure there are other things worth adding to this list. If you have suggestions, feel free to add then in the comments below!